The Hayaa Oasis

When we instigate fights, we are not just severing ties with others. We are poisoning the wells of our own barakah and isolating ourselves when Qiyamah comes. As one’s fiery temper scorches their world, they find themselves wandering life alone, haunted by the silence of desertion.

Weekly Writes written by Umm Idris. 08.08.25, 12:00pm.

It was narrated by Aisha (ra) that the Prophet (salallahu ‘alaihi wassalam) said, “The most hated person in the sight of Allah is the most quarrelsome person.” (Sahih Al-Bukhari 2457)

Have you ever met someone who is often involved in disputes or arguments sometimes on a monthly basis and other times every other week, or at least that is how it feels like? While I cannot speak personal experience with our male counterparts for obvious reasons, I find myself reflecting on my observations throughout life and realizing that I may have just as you are realizing right now as well. I wonder what it is about such a person who finds it necessary to enforce their worldview, ideals or even expectations on others despite knowing that it may not align with that of others. You would often discover that those moments are one that ignites an urge to retaliate or respond in opposition. Until you find yourself holding back at the following accustomed thought: “ah, it’ll just turn into a fight again.”

This author truly is appalled by the prevalence of such persons in our time today. The ones who you often hear is involved in some fight or the other, starting some kind of fire in whoever’s relationship or backyard, constantly easily offended, accuses others of disrespect and fueled by the narrative that they are always right or that they hold the moral high ground. It is truly a most quarrelsome person to deal with when you find yourself constantly on high alert and wondering what misunderstanding or misinterpretation could result in another one-sided fight or unprovoked dispute. Many of these clashes often stem from misaligned expectations one has over the other. What I simply cannot understand is… where has our self-control gone when it comes to refraining from quarreling with just about anyone for just about anything?

It has come to my attention that many of us youth parents find ourselves in the pit of trying to raise our upcoming generation in the midst of battling the unending demands of the generations before us. And in doing so, we find ourselves having to bend over backwards trying to meet unreasonable stipulations in our relationships with our elders during a time where they are just now enjoying the luxury of being given the due respect of being the older person. It becomes the greatest challenge for so many of us who may find moments where we need to correct them or disagree with them, because let’s be honest, how many of you have heard the phrase from your own parent, “you must listen to me and obey me because I am your parent.” May Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) keep us from aging poorly and oppressing our young.

And while we carry the torch of now being the sandwich generation fighting to keep afloat while we pay them respect as those before us who raised us with their blood, sweat, and tears, we tell ourselves quietly to learn from their shortcomings and pray hard that we do not do what hurt us to our own young. For those of us who choose not to retaliate, perhaps it is made so much easier to remain submissive and patient in giving into the ridiculous task of appeasing them even when it reaches heights of oppression that pushes the boundaries of our rights. For others who stand strong on our insistence to hold that line, the war can only be described as that of a verbally abusive relationship with a high chance of antagonistic weather reports on the horizon day to day. You would find yourselves constantly making choices with the same question at the back of your mind: “I can’t make X move because that would just upset person Y and cause another argument that lasts another week.” or “I need to make sure I do XYZ and uphold ABC habits/cultural obligations/rules or person Q will lash out again.”

The saddest part of it all? This isn’t just happening between generations. It is even happening amongst peers, family members, relatives, colleagues… you name it. Since when has it become the responsibility of the non-confrontational person to walk on eggshells or carry the torch of bowing down to the whims of the quarrelsome one? We tell ourselves to remain patient and to keep the peace is the act of a true Muslim who sees the bigger picture: akhirah over dunya. But when it reaches a stage where you realise that no matter what you do, you are constantly being disrespected or dragged into fights and disputes to no end, what do you do? How can one draw boundaries with familial or relational ties that must never be severed or damaged? How does one keep to being patient in a circumstance where you are constantly being blindsided by the next moment of such a person being offended once again?

As the person who often finds themselves in a whirlwind of disputes and disagreements, ask yourselves if you have noticed people walking on eggshells around you or simply avoiding you in the subtlest of ways. And then ask yourselves how often you have entered a hostile situation with another person and just how necessary was the fight between you. Was it worth it getting angry or offended over simply coming clean and clarifying or addressing the situation with a level head? If you had died the next day having not resolved your petty fight, are you willing to stand in front of Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) and claim you were right?

I fear for the person who enjoys causing problems like so, because in doing such a thing, they often drag others into it, and more often than not, it causes fractures in a marriage or a home because of how explosive such matters can become. And I would fear the presence of such a person even more because their actions may have caused others to turn to Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) and raise their hands to make duas against you for the pain and distress you have caused. And don’t be claiming that you have been slighted and that you have done the same. If everyone else is always the problem… more than likely, it is truly yourself who has been the dreadful person to be around. It is in this moment that I want to share what little advice and wisdom I can offer to anyone who is reading.

It is not worth your akhirah to be fighting with anyone even if you are right, and even if you are being wronged. Let Allah subhana wa ta’ala handle it for you and forgive the shortcomings of others and excuse them for their transgressions especially if unintentional or if it did not come with from ill intent. To think poorly of others is to believe too confidently that you have never unintentionally done the exact same thing. You never know what actual reason or thought a person may have when you are insulting them and creating a display of disapproval for whatever it is you are offended by, ESPECIALLY when it is not fardh (wajib) of them to do so or that it carries so little significance in the grand scheme of things. It is not the act of a Muslim to want to be a quarrelsome person who fights with others over anything and everything as though they have never transgressed in their lives themselves. So, fear Allah subhana wa ta’ala and hold your tongue and combative nature before you turn everyone away from being inclined to maintain relations with you.