The Hayaa Oasis

Just when we Muslimahs reach the stage of marriage, we face the age-old dilemma of every woman our age encounters. The right of passage to the path of marital bliss is hindered by daunting task of finding the perfect man for us. And so we ask ourselves: how do you even find the fella?

Weekly Writes written by Umm Idris. 15.11.24, 12:00pm.

Abu Huraira (radhi allahu ‘anhu) narrated that the Prophet (salallahu ‘alaihi wassalam) said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.” [Sahih Al-Bukhari 5090]

What does it mean to find a man of deen? As I sip my warm cup of coffee, I think back to the days when I was searching for my match. In this day and age, looking for a pious and kind man is a trial indeed. There was a time we could look no further than our own street and already know a handful of families who are known for men of good akhlaq off the back of our hand. Today however, you find yourself tolerating the knowledge that almost every suitor will come with the most concerning faults in their ibadah, that is, the consistency in practicing the foundational aspects of Islam; the five prayers, the act of charity and its importance, the act of fasting, attendance of jumu’ah, and even the most basic acts of fitrah. Anywhere we turn to, we find a sea of Muslim men but only a handful with reasonable and sufficient understanding of deen.

Though the ocean of Muslim women today is no prize in character either, thanks to the flood of fitnah we are drowned in, the question remains: where are the men of deen who are tasked to lead us back today? There was a time you would turn a corner and meet the presence of a hafiz of the Quran in your nearest mosque, pass by a most charitable and God-fearing man, or another who frequents the mosque for fajr jumu’ah all in afternoon’s promenade. In those days, you could barely find a space open even in the last rows for jumu’ah! Back in those times, men of akhlak and honour flood the mosques, and those very same men would approach our fathers for our hand with the utmost respect for our dignity, honour and status as women. Today, an unhealthy number of mosques begin to close during the quieter hours and are forced to collaborate with others in the area to conduct jumu’ah for fajr because there are barely two rows that fill one mosque! Admit it. Our standards of who is worthy to marry us ever since the deterioration of our collective firmness on our deen and our determination to maintain the level of ibadah and practice of the sunnah over the many decades of Westernisation have fallen flat on its face. And the fault is in each and every one of us as an ummah.

As Muslims over the world begin to buy into the modernisation of our lives, – which in itself is not wrong per say to indulge in – we have started to forgo many important qualities that are abhorrent to abandon for a Muslim . The hefty list that are deemed haram are not what the ignorant now claim permissible. Suddenly, women have taken too kindly to dressing tighter and sexier even if they wear a headscarf because for some strange reason, a pair of skintight jeans that accentuate the shapely curves of our bosoms and bums do not count as exposing our awrah. Men stopped caring about the severity of their transgressions like forsaking their natural gheerah in the name of “women empowerment” and shaving their beards to fit in with non-Muslim men. Some even have the audacity to miss jumu’ah on Friday (let’s not even discuss every other day of the week) for their jobs because they fear losing their income and incurring their bosses’ rage over the wrath of Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) Himself. They celebrate their wives on social media, posts photos of their wives’ beauty for their own guy friends to delight their eyes in as their wives parade in the viewing pleasure of others (i.e.: getting dressed up when you head out but keep to wearing slacks and even skipping showers in the presence of their husbands). Women wear headscarves with humps on their head and pull in fabrics at their waist, and the men wear shorts above their knees, while they proudly show off even their daughters on social media to the predominantly non-mahram followers on their Instagram. Oh how humiliating it would be if our Prophet (salallahu ‘alaihi wassalam) was alive and witnessing what we have become.

Ask yourselves honestly. If the wives of our Prophet (salallahu ‘alaihi wassalam) were to come to you and ask to borrow some of your clothes, would you be able to give them something from your closet? Even with the firm foundational practices of our faith, we have failed to strive toward the standards put in place by the wives of our Prophet (salallahu ‘alaihi wassalam). We Muslimahs need to return back to the path that calls for us to follow the commandments of Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) and take heed the advice and guidance left by our Prophet (salallahu ‘alaihi wassalam) quickly before we even think to try to find a partner. The only way to attract a man of deen who is right and good for us is to better ourselves so that we will be worthy of such a match. When I look around, I see a flood of women who barely meet the standards of a woman of deen. We claim that there are not enough good men out there who are worthy to marry but we ourselves fail to meet the most basic of expectations of a good Muslimah worth proposing to. In my personal opinion, a woman needs to work on the foundation of being ready to marry before she starts scrutinizing her suitors. What is my understanding of a woman’s foundation? Well, upon my own awakening from this dunya, I strived hard to retain these factors:

1. One must complete her fardh’ prayers and strive to maintain the sunnahs.
2. Have good working knowledge of Islam because my husband’s children will learn from me and be led by him. The responsibility of raising a good Muslim is not only on him.  
3. Uphold the basics of practices like fasting, extending greetings, perfecting wudhu’, Quran recitations, etc. This is the lifestyle of Muslim, not a choice but a way of life.
4. Abandon fashion trends and wear the correct form of hijab for the sake of Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) and the akhirah of yourself, then my husband and then my children.
5. Guard my chastity with my life, obey my husband even against my own ego, prioritise my hayaa above anything else, run far from freemixing before fitnah follows me, keeps good company or none at all, and finally always put my husband and children first before anything else.

When we meet such expectations for ourselves for the sake of Allah (subhana wa ta’ala), then we can confidently demand any standard we have for our future partner. How embarrassing would it be if you demand a man who will spend his entire wealth on you, void his rights to polygamy, uphold the duties of a husband, and even be an earnestly-practicing man while we are unenthused in our prayers in the day and sleep or skip through prayer times, mix with non-mahrams so casually, barely bother with preparation of iftar and suhoor for our own families (even our in-laws) or remind them to practice the sunnahs of our Prophet (salallahu ‘alaihi wassalam), fail to maintain our acts of fitrah and only maintaining bare minimum in our caregiving to our own parents (*tough parents are a test from Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) and so even in the bowels of mental torment we should say alhamdulillah for the opportunity to be given a chance to practice sabr when they become our greatest trial)! I am not saying that we must be perfect in everything, but it is important to recognise that our sacrifices and efforts to not only please our partners but please Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) first and foremost is critical in the formation and growth of the love that comes from our husbands and the people around us. Also, these things do not start only after marriage, and so I warn our parents today to instill such matters for both your daughters and sons before they get married!

But I digress. My point is, we Muslimahs must prepare ourselves to be a woman of substance, and a woman of the deen to attract suitors of the deen. What we expect from our husbands must be what we expect for ourselves and for our future children. Lowering the standard of ourselves inevitably erode the standards we demand from a husband. So, what should be the standards we should have for a husband with good deen, then? What are the qualities of a man do you find critical in both a husband and a father for your children? What role model do you want for your daughters to look for in their own future and for your sons to look up and wish to be? What are the beautiful qualities of Islam do you want to see in your lifemate that can even come close to emulating the character and morals of our Prophet (salallahu ‘alaihi wassalam)? Which imperfection are you willing to compromise on and unwilling to be flexible about?

In the journey toward marriage, I find women fixating excessively on the wrong aspects of a union. They jump into the physical attraction and the question of “what can he offer me” before considering what she can and need to offer him. The whole premise of a marriage is the forever-strive of wanting to please one another for the sake of Allah (subhana wa ta’ala). The upholding of each other’s rights and honour for His sake goes beyond our selfish desires and self-interests. This should begin from the very start so that it sets the tone for the entirety of one’s union. Instead, today’s conversation is rife with the heavy emphasis of the woman’s standing, her demands and expectations, and aggressive reminders of her rights in a marriage. Let us not forget the heavy pressure on drilling on retaliation to the correct concept of obeying one’s husband. Women today fixate only about their rights and their expectations as the uninformed consider the notion of obeying their own husband as oppressive while simultaneously prioritising their own rights first over the man’s. Case in point: the debate of the mahr.

I was recently chatting with my closest of friends and we stumbled into the topic of mahr. A question was posed at the end that made us realise how the conditions by which a mahr is set is typically influenced by the man in question. A hafiz of the Quran, student of Islamic studies with commendable akhlaq and admirable iman come along. Would you be more willing to accept him for as little as USD$50 mahr in question in comparison to a regular man who is able to simply recite, knows the basics of Islam and is a sufficiently good person? Why is it that we only compromise on the conditions of our mahr when we are incredibly hopeful of a proposal from someone, we deem worthy?

The fact is a desirable man is one who speaks to the Muslimah in us. Vice versa! A man of the deen replaces any monetary value of the mahr, because you just know that he will shower you will all his wealth out of love for his wife for the sake of Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) and out of love for you. This is equivalent to a man pining for a woman who resembles the qualities of the wives of the Prophet (salallahu ‘alaihi wassalam) and willing to shell out five or six figures to convince a woman to say ‘yes’ even if it handicaps him financially or turns him bankrupt.The similarity is not the monetary investment in his wife but the reason why. What is the value you put forward compared to his lifetime’s worth of generosity? Bear in mind, while our mahr is our right, it is still his unequivocal right to consider your akhlaq and whether it is worth his akhirah. That said, it does not mean we must not put forward our desired mahr (this is another topic entirely). What I am simply saying is, let us not be too fixated by the need to satisfy our expectations and covering the “what if the marriage fails” concerns that we become blinded by what is most important: determining if the person in question is the right person to build a life with and journey together into akhirah and having trust in your future partner. To utilise the mahr as a contigency plan, my dear sisters, is no different that not trusting in Allah (subhana wa ta’ala)’s decision in His qadr – that is when you have done your due diligence to complete your istikhara and make plenty of dua for what is good for you and for His guidance. The details of any mahr are immaterial to the discovery of the beautiful character of their potential partner. A man of the deen is as irresistible to a woman as a woman of the deen is to a man. You want a worthy partner? Find one who loves Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) more than they love you! Their love for our Creator will command them to love you for His sake, and that will overturn the impact of any mahr, conditions, or even calamities in rattling the foundation of your marriage.

I have had many posed to question to me: We talk a lot about the preparations and process of getting married, and the self-improvements we must commit to before marriage but what about where to find the fella to begin with? To this, I have a simple advice to all my unmarried sisters out here. If mosques are often referred to as the house of Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) and it is said to be the home of every single true believer, then where else to find the perfect man for you if not in the very home of true Muslims? Have your mahram attend the fajr jumu’ah and ask for him to look for a worthy man in those front rows. (Sidetrack: make sure your mahram is a commendable man who also genuinely attends the jumu’ah long before you ask this to begin with! This speaks to your family and your upbringing when the time comes for the man’s inspection and consideration of your proposal.) There is no better way for you to find a man of the deen. Wouldn’t it be even more incredible if your mahram is approached for the exact same reason? Only a brave man would approach our fathers in humility and ask for the honour to be considered for marriage for their daughters.

When such proposals come, remind them that matches should be made easy if it is good for you. To our dear mahrams out there, remember that she is to be married for her sake, and out of her choice and preference. Not out of your expectations, regard and preference! If she says no, it means no. If she says yes, do not be a fool and ensure the man is worthy to lead your mahram in marriage yourself! Her begging for your mandatory consent to marry Ahmad the investment banker who indulges in riya’, skimps on charity, is unenthused about the percentage of zakat he is obliged to pay for, displays gold adornments and diamond-crusted watches, and thousand-dollar suits, and is seeking a stay-at-home trophy wife, all while missing Friday jumu’ah for multimillion dollar meetings and networking that he drives his Porsche from and to regular guy hangouts pushing past midnight to shouldn’t ever sway you. Ibrahim the business consultant who quietly attends prayers at the mosque with his faded suede business shoes, worn-out Quran and the same praying mat since 2001 with a silver Honda that is long overdue for the tenth servicing and not willing to get a long for a BMW should. Just as you mahrams expect a woman with the right hijab, who agrees to a reasonable mahr, who has good working knowledge of Islam and practices Islam correctly, is inclined to be a housewife, is chaste and wears the niqab, she should have equally high expectations too!

A man of deen is hard to find these days just a searching for a good Muslimah wife is in times of prevalent fitnah, especially when you don’t know where to look or what to look for. However, it doesn’t mean it is impossible. Improve yourselves and you will attract the right person for you. Pray hard for a match that leads you to Jannah and Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) will pave the best of roads for you. Improve your relationship with your Creator and you will be rewarded with the ripest of fruits, whether in dunya and/or in akhirah.

For my single and married sisters out there: ask yourself if you are a woman of deen and you will discover a reflection of your future/present husband staring back at you. Only then will you know the true heart and character of the man who will hand your hand in your journey in this dunya. The goodness of a man shines through the heart and soul of his wife. And so, I leave the question to you. Who is your man of deen?