The Hayaa Oasis

When your speech and gaze carry your most raw unfiltered thoughts, the foul envy your wear on your sleeve wafts into your relationships, and the stomaches loses its tolerance of you. To be shameless is to find no value in upholding a dignified consideration of the impression others have of you, much less the impression you make before Allah subhana wa ta’ala.

Weekly Writes written by Umm Idris. 03.09.26, 12:00pm.

If there was a woman this author feels most uncomfortable with, it would be someone who spends her energy constantly scrutinizing others and making comparisons and hierarchical assessments of them and herself. It is one thing to fight one’s nafs against the natural egoistic desires every person is plagued with, it is truly another to be too comfortable in showing jealousy on one’s face, and greed through one’s own actions. I recently had the displeasure of experiencing a pair of discerning eyes watching me at a gathering. Bearing in mind that this was a gathering that was hosted by this particular person herself, I was skeptical in attending due to the history of abrasive interactions I already had with them in the past. During the lunch, I did not realise that the host was quietly watching myself and some family relations of my husband’s intently. In particular, the clothes (purchased by me when we travelled outside of europe) and jewellery worn (gifted by our respective husbands). Her eyes wandered intently at the gemstones and gold on our fingers, and narrowed at every compliment we received for our modest wear.

I did not notice anything alarming or uncomfortable during that period of time while we were sitting at the dinner table so it was a startling shock when I was met with most audacious and disrespectful remark to date. In my culture, we do not ask the guests to help us provide anything or even bring any kind of gifts, foods or even desserts when they come into our home as we believe that they should be treated like kings and queens. Hence, it was tough to swallow what was thrown so carelessly at me that day. I was confronted sarcastically for not helping out in the kitchen and cleaning up this time round at the event that her family chose to host (where in many other instances I would offer help), when I was managing three children, one of whom is asleep in a baby carrier I was wearing. I kindly explained my reasons (due to my children) and then was met with a demanding expectation to purchase similar modest clothes in her sizes that she provided to me like the one I was wearing the next time I travelled for her. I even recall quickly twisting my own anniversary ring into my palm to hide it from her gaze when I noticed her eyes wandering for too long upon realising she was picking apart everything about myself she could see that day.

Here’s the thing, I would be glad to find ways to assist her in the kitchen – which had many others already lending a helping hand – had she asked me politely but it was unnervingly audacious to demand gifts and even inform me of her sizes as though she was entitled to monetary gifts that costed over thousands of dollars (not that the dresses were that expensive but the purchases were made in a massive bulk not just for myself and amounted to such a cost given the cost of the additional luggage and air travel – yes, I definitely count air travel as a cost as it comes with lugging the massive baggage around on top of travelling to the place itself and the manual labor of choosing and contemplating options). It was not like I wore luxurious clothing. The dress I wore was not beyond USD$40, but it took a great effort like all others in my wardrobe to bring through customs and look for in a whole other continent.

I did not like the conversation. I felt put on the spot and scrutinised. This was a host who extended a joint invitation with her husband to us to a lunch they cooked only to have us leave remembering nothing but a tasteless commentary of not purchasing expensive gifts for the wife and being pointed out publicly amongst others for not rolling up our sleeves and cleaning for her. It made me wonder, how could someone be so brazen and unashamed when it comes to conversing with others and asking from others without considering their feelings, their financial circumstance, the consideration of their situation, and the presence of other listening ears?

I realised a frightening thing. Gatherings are poison to women. Particularly women who do not lower their gaze from others. The grass is not always greener on one end and not the other. Where one flourishes, it does not mean that another loses luxury, privilege, or even barakah. Watching a another who is clearly blessed in her opinion only made her think about what she didn’t have and what she believed should be hers first.

Greed. It wasn’t like she was poor, or that she had nothing, or that her husband never bought her anything in her entire life. It was that she had a heart that was bottomless in its pool of desire. It didn’t matter that she already have what a person possessed. She had jewellery. She had children. She had clothes. She travelled luxuriously and regularly. She had property in her name. She had a house. She had a fridge that was filled with food. She had relations who appreciated and loved her. She had social circles who value and welcome her regularly. She was not lacking for anything. She was not left wanting anything. But to see another person have something that she also had, or could have had instead rubbed her in a way that not many people can comprehend. It was giving that vibe of “luxury shall only befit me, and that you shall have less than myself.”

Was it a superiority complex, or was it simply greed that was manifesting under the surface? My heart dropped when I realised that this is the reality of life. A person can always be kind to you, loving, sweet and appreciate of your efforts verbally. They would come into your home bearing performance gifts, heavy with compliments and repeated “mashallah” for all that Allah subhana wa ta’ala granted you. They would openly make dua raise their hands congratulate you for what you have but when you’re not looking, when you’re not watching them, they are watching you. And their pair of eyes carry a nazr so dangerous it makes you doubt if you should keep your doors even a crack open to them. It was as simple as watching someone flourish even if they’re not actively showing it off and are fighting to keep it hidden. A pregnant belly behind loose abaya. Lesser jewellery that do not catch the eye. Plain clothes that does not even carry any kind of embroidery or design. Forcing other women to twist their rings to hide the gemstones into their palms. Actively park their apparently “luxurious” car (in her opinion) into the garage so that when you arrive you can’t see it. Putting their property and then the names of their parents or others less obvious so that she cannot look it up in public records and discover them. Hiding things within their home that show any kind of comfort so that when she enters their home, she isn’t filled with blinding jealousy.

Doesn’t it make a shiver run down your spine thinking about how just about anybody who enters your home or who knows about your life could simply be looking at it in the most heinous of ways? And when the boiling bubbles over, their jealousy starts to show its ugly head in how they speak to you, in how they look at you, in how they respond to you, and even in how they treat you.

She was an incredibly brazen woman. This was something that was not a secret. What shocked me was that in the many years that we remain neutral in our responses, it has only taught her that she can be more audacious and inappropriate in how she addresses us. Perhaps it is in that there were no consequences when she crosses boundaries, but more importantly this experience only made me reflect about how women truly are the bane of one another.

We are constantly reminded to celebrate and be grateful for what we truly have, to look into our own rice bowls and say alhamdulillah rather than looking at another’s and say I want what they have and yet, AND YET, somehow, even if you have everything that you could ever need and want, you still want more! And not only that, you begin to want less for others so that you can be more. More of what? I still cannot decipher. And in the race of trying to have more and want less for others, you also start to develop this arrogance in your speech. Expecting guests to roll up their sleeves and clean up for you and with you after themselves when you invited them into your home for a meal. Punishing them with public criticism and humiliating them instead of asking kindly for help. Demanding for gifts and cornering them just because they have what you decided you want too at that moment.

The amount of times I roll up my sleeves for a week of cooking just so that I can welcome somebody into my home in the most loving way, – my most intimate way of embracing and showing love for another by the way – all that was rendered unappreciated with one sentence. “You didn’t help clean up.” And the icing to the cake: “Why did you not purchase me gifts?”

Truly, it broke my heart and it made me really, really sad knowing that this is what the Muslim community has come to. Why can’t we allow others to gift with ikhlas, and why can’t we allow others to not feel the pressure of performing rather than doing something out of the goodness of their hearts. IKHLAS. The purity, that sincerity and genuineness of one’s intention, does it not have any more value or importance in how we act, in how we speak, and in how we respond to one another? When did we stop appreciating someone doing something purely for the sake of Allah subhana wa ta’ala without seeking the praise, the recognition or wanting to do anything with personal gain? Why are we inevitably fostering a kind of riya’ by expecting people perform in their acts to meet your demands and needs first? Why are we no longer putting importance on wanting to do good and help others for the sake of Allah subhana wa ta’ala and not for the sake of appearances? “I help you because you are scrutinising me and I help you because if I don’t, people are watching and gossiping about me.” What about appreciating the niyyah of others? Why is it that presents are now seen more valuable than acts of service? Why are people now too comfortable dishonoring their guests and fellow muslims because their presence in the home inconveniences them a little more than usual.? There was a time that the most invaluable of gifts are seen most appreciated because of the niyyah that came with it. Now, the pricetag, brand, design, quality and societal worth takes precedence, and to top it off, the social expectation of just having gifts given becomes more important. As a result, many find themselves buying thoughtless trinket gifts and carelessly chosen clutter wrapped as presents instead to meet unnecessarily materialistic demands so as to avoid being judged and backbited. What is this! Are guests in our Islamic world not meant to be treated with honor and are gifts not supposed to given in the spirit of generosity and sincerity? Are boundaries no longer significant when it comes to expectations? Is consideration not important when expecting acts of service from others?

This weekly writes isn’t a point of complaint or a moment for me to highlight form of injustice or disrespect that came across my path. If anything, it is to highlight how scary some people have become when it comes to expecting and demanding things that is not theirs to begin with. Whether it is a helping hand or gifts of monetary value, no one has any right or claim to them and expect something like that from guests and from people who you do not have rights to claim from. We should be treating each other with kindness. We should not be looking into the lives of others and be resentful that they have goodness in their lives. And if resentment do fester in our hearts, we should not be nursing it. This is where self-awareness is so important. When one is self-aware, one is able to decipher whether resentment is slowly growing in our souls. When one is able to notice this, one is then able to help themselves out of being greedy. Recognise your thought, recognise and be aware that you are jealous or you are envious because in doing so you can question why you are feeling that way and then you can find a moment of clarity to remind yourself that you have your own blessings and that you understand that desire and nafs multiplies, but that does not mean that you are to entitled what another person has. In this moment of humbling yourself, you will find yourself actively practising gratitude and contentment. In doing so, you will find yourself actively being aware of what barakah God has granted you and in turn, You will not find yourself consumed with comparisons or reeking in jealousy.

Instead, say “Allahumma Barik”! Praise the blessings that Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala has granted them and make sure that you do it with the purest of niyyah, because when you do that and you make dua for them, in turn, the angels make dua for you to have the same and even better! Envy is a human reaction, yes. But if you become self-aware of what is happening within you, you can always turn jealousy into a moment of reflection, a chance for reminding yourself to remain grateful and humbled by what you already have and what you have already been gifted rather than allowing resentment to fester within your soul and to poison you. Dunya is not worth blackening your heart.

So what if someone has more gold or jewellery than you? So what if someone has newer clothes than you! So what if you have gone past the age of having more children than you already have while others just began their fertility journey! Look in your own rice bowl! Is it empty or is it full? Do not punish others for your own greed! If you are Muslim, your rice bowl is brimming with wealth. If you have Muslim children, you have the more premium cut of beef. If you are practising and so are the family members around you, then you have the freshest of vegetables. If your wealth has barakah, then your bowl is ceramic and is made with beautiful intricate design. If you have privilege, then your bowl is paired with sturdy utensils. If you have the luxury of time, then your food is still steaming warm. If your meal sits at a table, then you have security and provision. If another serving is across from you, then you have companions. Look again. Does your greed match your circumstances? Or has dunya hypnotised you? Even if your bowl is empty and you are on the straw mats with nothing but dust filling your lungs, you are still breathing are you not? Allah subhana wa ta’ala has plans for you if you are still alive right now, does He not?!

Do not be a brazen woman, lacking of modesty, hayaa, adab, foul in intent, and insincere when she welcomes her guests. Be one who remains self-aware of her shortcomings. Be one who knows that envy is natural but will not allow it to overcome her. Be a woman who recognises that the blessings of others may not necessarily mean deficit of her own. Be one who is in control of her emotions. Be one with adab, manners becoming of a Muslimah and not one who shames their guests and call them out publicly and unnecessarily. Be one who does not punish her guests with her own nafs and trying to pressure or coerce them into burdening themselves and buying you gifts. Be one who does not look upon her own guests with jealousy. Be one who preserves the hearts of others and prioritises the relationships you have with other muslims instead. Be one who does not damage the dignity of others. Be one who is not status sensitive, does not indulge in status envy, and who is not focused on social ranking. Be one who is aware that she is not entitled to the gifts that others get or that she should be expecting others give her some too.

Reflect upon yourself if you begin to experience envy that is driven by social comparison and such relative deprivation or status sensitivity that then turns into entitled expectations upon others. Because if you do not reflect upon yourself, your audacity will grow and your speech becomes biting and sour. You will be the thorn in a social circle with other women. They will not want you around because they’re constantly afraid that you’ll be jealous of them, that you will talk about them behind your backs, and that you will be feeling hateful and resentful with them just because they become blessed in some ways or another. It is important to recognise that no matter how much you lack in one way or another, you do have enough and that it is powerful to be celebrating blessings that come into the lives of people around you rather than yourself. When you are genuinely and sincerely appreciated and grateful and joyful upon witnessing goodness others experience, they will note it. They know that your niyyah is pure and they will not fear you. Your character will shine through through your niyyah.

Do not be a brazen woman. One who shows her character and the impurities of her heart so casually. And if you do, do not be surprised when people avoid you and resent you. And God forbid if it ever offends or harm another even if it were a prick of a finger or a discomfort of the troubled mind, you will face them in front of Allah subhana wa ta’ala to answer for your flawed disposition.