The Hayaa Oasis

There is nothing quite like an ice-cold dose of reality when you discover than even the closest of people to you are simply waiting to celebrate any grief or discord in your home and marriage.

Weekly Writes written by Umm Idris. 18.07.25, 12:00pm.

It was narrated by Anas ibn Malik (ra) that the Prophet (salallahu ‘alaihi wassalam) said, “None of you (truly) believes until he loves for his brother that which he loves for himself.” (Sahih Al-Bukhari, 13)

It has come to my attention the reality of just how much people await for our failures, suffering or even misfortunes. The shock of witnessing first hand, how it thrills them to watch it unfold sends a chill down my spine. A sickening grin and gleeful laughter for something that was mistaken as misfortune is enough to awaken the realisation even in me that this particular person is no longer someone who one can blindly trust, nor someone one should invite too close into their inner safe space.

For the sake of privacy, I choose not to expose the context by which this occurred, but know that it was at the sight of a normal tense discussion between husband and wife, where they celebrated hoping a dispute or a crack had emerged in our marriage and reared its ugly head. The fact is, the reaction she showed exposed her true heart’s desire after many months of her own mismanagement of relationships and choice of exposing their ugly affairs to the masses. It begs the question of how one can enjoy the difficulties of others, especially those who wish nothing but goodness for them, and quietly pray in the early hours of fajr to ease the most recent trials with our utmost sincerity.

My heart breaks at the sight of her joy and snickering as she makes eye contact with me and point excitedly toward us, before making comments and jokes with her own spouse. It was at that moment that I understood what has been unsettling my heart recently. Perhaps it was Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) finally clarifying my unanswered questions about the true nature of others who hide behind the curtains of pretense.

As the recent months unravelled, subtle hints and moments caught my attention. I often share here about the importance of how a woman conducts herself and protects her hayaa, for the sake of Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) and for the ease and goodness of the mahrams who are charged with her care and honour. I have emphasized to great extent in heavy and harsh tones exactly how distasteful it is for those who are affected by the fitnah of a woman who cares little of her hayaa. And yet, in the most surprising turn of events, He has chosen to test me with exactly that.

For months, I endured the parade of the same woman intentionally beautifying herself in the presence of my husband. From make-up that ‘coincidentally’ does not show itself as brazenly amongst just women, the stench of sickly sweet perfume filling the nostrils of anyone who comes close and watering the eyes of anyone she passes as it sticks on the curtains and our bedsheets in my home, clothes that are occasionally translucent so much so her cleavage can be seen under sunlight (due to the choice of pulling her hijab backwards to uncover her chest), to the recent vexing reality of its shapeliness that seem to begin to hug herself tighter and tighter, exposing the nature of her breasts and buttocks. The discomfort it brought me weighs heavily on my shoulders as the proximity of such fitnah propels itself into our lives. While my husband simply turns away and refuse to look in such a person’s direction, I reflected the gravity of how such a visual act of zina can affect anyone in its vicinity. Loyalty and iman should never be placed in a position where it is tested. Oh, if only one can simply walk away if not for relations that must never be severed.

You see, it dawned on me that the truth of such immodesties often brings with themselves a clarifying reality we often wish to bury. The fact is, if a woman is truly pleased with her marriage, and wishes nothing but to please the eyes of her husband, she would be repelled by the idea of impressing any other man even unintentionally. She would be fixated on beautifying and sensualising herself in her home for his gaze over that of impressing even other women at the risk of being exposed to other men. She would be overly concerned about the possibility of thoughtless sharing amongst couples that might accidentally expose her awrah and share too much about her features which in turn encourages her to remain in a state of modesty even if non-mahrams were not around (not that this is something that should be done! – mind you. It is simply my phrasing to emphasize the glaring reality of how careful one would love to be for the sake of her modesty and for her Creator). The fact is, if a woman is truly invested in her marriage, she would not be thinking to “dress to impress” even other women in events out of fear of nazr (evil eye) and petty jealousy that she might unintentionally invite into their lives.

It dawned on me as I contemplated the past events that certain actions were seemingly thoughtless and yet in the eyes of a believing woman who fear Allah (subhana wa ta’ala), were actually incredibly dangerous and alarming. For example, the act of perfuming oneself in the bedroom of another married woman. It is a heinous choice to do so knowing that that woman’s husband will enter their bedroom no longer smelling and thinking of his wife but you. Both a tasteless decision and one of unforgivable nature. It is a heinous choice to continuously dress in excessively eye-catching fabrics with glitters and stones that beckon the attention of others even absentmindedly. The fact is, knowingly being an ostentatious presence amongst non-mahrams – let alone the husbands of other women – is a truly repulsive choice. This I say, factoring in that I give heavy allowance to the days of eid, simply because many cultures and lifestyles make it such that it is a norm and a difficult position to be imposing such demands against others. In those cases, I would say, focus on yourself and remove yourself from such environment instead if you stand strongly to the strictly correct adherence of the hijab amongst non-mahram men. Don’t be busy trying to make dakwah or preach in joyous days lest you wish to be kicked out of your own social circles for poor timing.

I shudder at the thought of what is truly the intent she has in her heart, and I pray it is nothing more that the indulgence of beautification and vanity, which I am almost certain that it really is. The thing is, I wish nothing evil nor any hatred toward her for she is someone of relative status in the grand scheme of things. If anything, I blame the upbringing and childhood of a person who was not exposed to the right conduct a Muslimah should uphold. The fact is, culture and lifestyle that a young girl is exposed to, is the bane that ultimate shapes and influences her beliefs and impressions of their world. In a world where I was raised amongst the secular population, blindly following the school uniforms imposed on me with little to no heavy weight placed upon myself to do otherwise… in what universe would I have grown to truly understand and feel the weight and severity of not upholding the conditions of the hijab? Likewise, I find myself filled with frustration and rage at her circumstance, realising how difficult it would be for any mahram to correct this and exactly how much patience and strength it must take for him to guide and change such a woman.

Despite this, my critique continues its warpath onto the next point: as a Muslimah woman who has come of age, should it not be the responsibility of herself to seek knowledge and learn her deen? It is our own responsibility to learn the characteristics and practices of being a practicing Muslim. As harshly as I have condemned my past self (may Allah subhana wa ta’ala forgive me), I do the same in the face of others who knowingly do so specifically in the presence of someone else’s husbands, fathers, brothers and mahrams. I reflected upon the conclusion a dear friend was overcome by: as we progress closer toward the clarity of what hijab truly means to us, the stronger our gheerah becomes for our mahrams. It became clear to me that this was what I felt myself facing was a raw feeling of protective jealousy much like what my husband quietly battles at every extended gaze of another man toward the women in his care.  

And so I pose the inevitable question: why is it that women continue to transgress the boundaries of modesty especially amongst non-mahrams who are with their wives? Is it because we have managed to convince ourselves that we are only dressing up to beautify ourselves and perfume ourselves for our own vanity and earning external validations or is the truth much darker than it seems? I am afraid to wonder if there is a subconscious satisfaction some women indulge in when they manage to turn the heads of other women’s husbands. I am petrified to find out if it could possibly be true that women secretly feel good at the thought of rousing attention for themselves even if they are already the apple of their husband’s eye.

Is it not frightening to you if someone close to your home continues to make their presence one of fitnah near your husband? Is it not enraging knowing that they expect and demand for their husbands to love and devote themselves to them but care little about how their immodesty impacts and causes discomfort in the lives of others? For this I say, beware the woman next door. If she is not afraid to rebel against Allah (subhana wa ta’ala)’s command of the foundational aspects of her akhlak, then she will have no fear watching you squirm at the discomfort of her perpetuating the zina of the eyes for the masses.

Understanding something here. A protective wife has a quiet intuition that guides her senses against those who have sneaky ill intent toward herself or that of her marriage. Just like how men have a built-in gheerah that spot any lewd thought men on their radar have at the snap of a finger, women can tell quickly when other women enjoy turning the heads of men. It is almost always at the first insistence of dressing to impress even if one’s husbands says ‘no’. In today’s time, men and women have lost their gheerah thanks to modern ideals of what a ‘healthy’ relationship is like. And so they convinced themselves that it is a point of pride to show off their wife and watch others be jealous when the truth is, each desirable moment on the pedestal only gives salacious dreams to the envious who want nothing but to bed their wives at the first sign of opportunity if not – to be rather crass – the chance to rub a couple out behind the screen. I remembered reading about this hadith narrated by Al-Mughira b. Shu’ba (ra) who reported that Sa’d b. ‘Ubada (ra) said:

“If I were to see a man with my wife, I would have struck him with the sword, and not with the flat part (side) of it. When Allah’s Messenger (subhana wa ta’ala) heard of that, he said: Are you surprised at Sa’d’s jealousy of his honour? By Allah, I am more jealous of my honour than he, and Allah is more jealous than I. Because of His jealousy Allah has prohibited abomination, both open and secret and no person is more jealous of his honour than Allah, and no persons is more fond of accepting an excuse than Allah. On account of which He has sent messengers, announcers of glad tidings and warners; and no one is more fond of praise than Allah on account of which Allah has promised Paradise.” (Sahih Muslim 1499a)

What struck me the most was the striking difference of what gheerah used to be in comparison to what it is today. To be this protective of one’s wife or husband in this day and age is mocked and laughed about, called possessive and unreasonably toxic. And yet, in those days, it was considered to have honour. And for our Prophet (salallahu ‘alaihi wassalam) to say this, makes you truly wonder how far our ummah has fallen. For women to find no gravity in parading in the presence of non-mahram desirably so, at the relenting resignation of their husbands while they sit there… allowing it to happen. How is it possible that a husband in today’s time can proudly post photos of their beautified wives for their male friends and colleagues to view on social media? In what rational world has it become normalised for fathers to allow their daughters who have come of age to hang out with their marriageable non-mahram cousins behind closed doors or without their presence? At which point did we all just accept that just because mahrams are present, there shouldn’t be an issue for women or wives to dress up and look good in the presence of the husband of others?

I cannot wrap my head around this. Despite having a history of my own shortcomings, I still cannot comprehend the rationality of telling oneself that “I am not dressing up for others but myself or my husband” when the intent is to enter into a gathering where others are present. A shameful choice it is, in my opinion, to be in the presence of another woman’s husband, dolled up even if the intent was never to seduce or to invoke desire. Perhaps this is why we are forbidden from freemixing and to minimise gatherings with non-mahrams in the mix even if our husbands or fathers chaperone. It seems to me that it is time to bring back the mandatory practice of having mahrams chaperone their women and keep closer eye on them for no one can truly trust the evil temptations that lurk in the shadows of where they pass. Perhaps it is time for us to bring back the days where there was a magnificent show of gheerah in men that brought about a commendable level of protection for those around them.

When I contemplate deeper about the hadith earlier, I realise just how much we neglect to recognise where gheerah comes from. Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) is He who is Al-Muhaymin. He who protects His creation, watches over them, ensures their wellbeing and their peace and security. He is the One who truly knows what is beneficial or harmful for us, and He is the One who is the ultimate protector and guardian. He knows what we conceal or reveal, and the secrets within ourselves. And so I would easily assume that includes the niyyah or nafs of others. If Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) truly knows what is within and is the ultimate protector of us, then isn’t the command for the hijab (for both men and women) His show of protection for us? Wouldn’t it be a rebellion against Him if we carelessly neglect this and strut around immodestly anyway? Wouldn’t it be an insult to His All-Knowing Magnificence for us to go against His commands even when we know that He knows what is best for us?

It is saddening to be forced to accept that while a large fraction of our ummah continue to see no end to their dreamlike state, the other half of us fight with our might everyday trying to gain some kind of traction in protecting our homes from fitnah to no end. Perhaps this is part of our test in this period of time: having to battle the harem of misguided vixens dancing in the streets for all to savour like a free flow buffet and degenerate onlookers who feast their eyes at even the most modest of women who quietly pass by.

My only advice to the ones who are awake, take our Prophet’s (salallahu ‘alaihi wassalam) warning very carefully,

Usamah bin Zaid and Sa’eed bin Zaid bin ‘Amr bin Nufail said that the Prophet (salallahu ‘alaihi wassalam) said, “I have not left among the people after me, a fitnah more harmful upon men than women.” (Jami’ At-Tirmidhi 2780)

Watch your neighbour with the blackened heart. She may be kind, but if she is dressed to invoke desire within other men, keep her far away from your man. She may be sweet, but if she smiles and grins at your misfortunes or discomfort, be suspicious of her intent for your own protection. She may offer you a meal, but if she has been known (proven with trusted witnesses) to backbite or slander others, she will do what she did to them… to you. Because no woman who smiles at your strife, wants any good for you. And no woman who daringly dress her presence to be strikingly provocative, truly cares about her hayaa or her modesty. A woman will always dress herself and conduct herself in a way that shows who she truly is within her heart. And if it is blackened, then that is what you will see.