The Hayaa Oasis

The best of wives are those who fight to preserve the reputation of their husbands. In doing so, she honors him and regards him as a man of dignity and impeccable character. What she paints in the sky, reflects his story.

Weekly Writes written by Umm Idris. 20.06.25, 12:00pm.

In the past, both men and women were given ample time to prepare themselves for the marriage mart. They were groomed in their character, taught how to uphold responsibilities, advised again and again in their conduct, raised in a childhood that prepares them first to be Muslims of ironclad faith and an impressive resumé with references of members in the society ready to swear oath and testimony to the type of person they have grown to become.

When parents birthed their newborn, they held their child and promised to leave an honorable reputation for them to inherit and continue to uphold in subsequent generations. When their children began to speak, they fought with their spouses for the privilege to bestow the gift of recitation of the Quran and eagerly wait for the first opportunity to lead them in prayer for the first time. When the child reaches the age of discernment, the fathers arm themselves to prepare their sons for the world and raise them to be true lions of Islam, while they quite literally arm themselves against the world in protection of their daughters until the right Muslim man comes forward to humbly ask for her hand in marriage. The mothers struggle to watch their babies become people of their own, and then quickly prepare them to be independent and ready them to join society.

When the marriageable age comes along, the pair of parents begin the task of grooming both their sons and daughters and imparted knowledge about the rights of both the husbands and the wives, they polish their children’s ample understanding of the religion, fathers scrutinise them in their tawheed, mothers fuss over ensuring they do not lack in their conduct and character no longer. Off the men go into the world and take on wives, lovingly handed over are the daughters who were cared for like the most precious of gems the world has known, entrusted to men who you best believe have been looked over a million times and inspected to their very core.

We cannot say the same today with our utmost confidence that the young who are pushed forward into the world to marry and begin creating families have been prepared with that same enthusiasm. Sure, times have indeed changed and shifted our approach to life so very much. In the past, the standards and expectations a parent had for their child reflected their core development in only two ways: their knowledge of Islam (Quran and Sunnahs), and their practice of it. Today, we come face to face with a modernised checklist of bridal/groom requirements that hold heavier importance over the iman of the would-be prospect. How many stories have you heard in your respective communities about parents approving marriages based on the groom’s job, whether he is a doctor or a lawyer and frowning at the regular salesman making sufficient income? Or brides only being acceptable only if she is young and under 21, with a pretty face regardless of her lack of hijab? What about the stories of potential matches that highlights union between families for the sake of business or for the family’s family money despite the reluctance of the couple itself? Especially when they have heard stories of their would-be spouses’ late night shenanigans or well-known womanizing history? It seems that the parentals today have chosen to look to a different set of priorities when approving marriages. Money, reputations, family relations, preference to follow a relative’s choice over listening to their own child… The list goes on when it comes to the skewed decisions of the parents especially when they have a large influence or the right to approval of the union. But when it comes to the spouses themselves… Let us not kid ourselves. The ummah today consists largely of singles who are marrying for dunya over that of akhirah.

You have clearly heard of the girls who demand exorbitant mahr from their grooms like ridiculously expensive branded fashions, cars, houses, and while it is within their right to ask anything of their desire, it is also the right of the would-be groom to form an opinion and impression based on the materialistic demands that place heavy burdens on their financial capabilities. And if it really is the case that the groom can afford such luxuries, does it not speak heavily to the character and desires of his would – be bride if she is drowning in greed over the ridiculous demands she has? Yes, I went there. I hold the immovable opinion that a bride who demands anything beyond the reasonable asks of a mahr – no matter how rich her intended is – is greedy for the luxuries of life and to begin a marriage in such a tone will only provide a groom foresight into his future. Having a wife who is never satiated without luxuries, who will continue to or eventually ask beyond his means, and who value the luxury he provides over himself. The fact is, a wife who wants her husband and not his money would not be interested in demanding such things loudly in marital contract for the world to see and for the wedding to parade such gifts he affords her.

Does it not worry a man if she begins her first step as his wife expecting that he must fulfill extreme financial conditions rather than asking about what life would be like after a marriage? Someone once told me, “Plan for a marriage, not a wedding.” Plan for the house you will one day make a home, for a home that you will one day raise your children, for a union that worries about protecting oneself against debt and nazr. To have your mahr seen a luxury and competitive bar for other girls to sigh in jealousy and hold their own future husbands to not only incites envy but paints a false image of what marriage in Islam is meant to be. Marriage is supposed to be easy. Not a platform to show off your bride’s beauty or how deep your groom’s pockets are. There is no questioning that a husband is free to gift his wife anything she desires. But it is our right to question ourselves why there was a choice to do so publicly? Why not ask for your G-Wagon after marriage, in private, without posting it into social media? Why not gift your wife chunks of money without the responsibility of making it known as mahr? Why not hide the expensive interiors of your homes rather than showcasing it on a reel as a house tour for thousands of your follower friends and strangers to see? Why upload photo after photo, caption after caption, in the view of untrustworthy people gushing over your partner and allowing them to idealise and indulge in their view of your husband or wife? Why put your marriage at risk of divorce as a result of the evil eye even before it begun?

When the tornado of such beginnings finally end, we look to the checklist again. It has come to the attention of many that the generation today hold a percentage of Muslims who do not see a non-praying partner as a dealbreaker. While it bears heavy responsibility for the man who choose to accept one who has yet to find her footing in her iman, I look to the careless women who accept husbands who fall short of the most basic of Islamic command. This man will one day be the leader of your flock and will guide your children! How can you find it acceptable to marry a man who cares little about His Creator?! And unless you are firm in your faith and in your practices, do not dare to think you can guide a non-Muslim woman out of her daze, for if you are not strong enough, she will pull you into oblivion as well. Guiding someone who have yet to realise her Islamic identity is not easy and not for someone who is struggling himself. Ensure your roots are planted deep into the soil of the earth before trying to withstand the storm and shielding what looks to you for a shield.

The beginning of a blooming marriage starts even before the nikah itself. There are warnings prior to your wedding that would show you a hint of the narrative you will live. And if you fail to observe and make good judgment of it, then you have doomed yourself into an uphill climb that may never find summit. I have witnessed many marriages – whose aibs have been exposed by others or even they themselves – that have crumble after one either did not look to Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) for solat istikhara (guidance), was neck-deep in their nafs, or simply were careless in their choices. Moreover, these marriages often had a diverse set of issues. Today, I chose to scrutinise the wives who have failed their husbands. No marriage is perfect, and if you have chosen your path, it is your responsibility to make do with it and try your best to bring each other closer to your Creator and be better together. No matter how far you are from Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) if you try, He will surely welcome you into the right path, InsyaAllah.

I dive heavily into the choice of bride/groom primarily because the upbringing of a person will shape their character, and more often than not, their family relationships play great roles in their support systems, their influences, and their decisions and judgments. Marrying a person means that you marry all of these. Their nature does not easily change and even if they do, the root of themselves will always show. The question is if you can love and accept them despite that. Your tolerance will always be tested even with the best of spouses. It is simply a question of where your hard boundary are.

When a woman marries, it is their responsibility to understand that they are now under the jurisdiction of their husband. It means that no matter who influences or guides them, it is wrong to listen to anyone other than your husband so long as he is fulfilling his rights and not transgressing yours nor forcing you to go against the halal. The fact is, if your husband says you cannot leave your home, you jolly well sit at home even if your parents have invited to for a visit. If your husband instructs that you do not speak against his parents, even if they are wrong, you must listen, and entrust the corrections or management of affairs against you in his hands because if you married the right man, he will not fail you. But do not expect that he will break ties with her or raise his voice or hands against her for a God-fearing man will never do so. It is your responsibility to protect your marriage like a fortress at risk of invasion from enemies because fitnah is everywhere, and evil is always lurking around to destroy marriages. The stories of brides sharing their woes to friends and family she thought she can trust only for them to indulge in her secrets and dance on the grave of her marriage are too many to count. People are always looking hungrily at a newlywed for news, be it milestone achievements or drama within the couple or with their in-laws. The unmarried look to satisfy their envy by discovering problems and issues that arise. The married are envious of the new love and fresh adventures that they have long passed in their honeymoon period. Some horrible relations are in competition to feel satisfied that your outcome is not better than theirs. This even applies to one’s own sibling! The most insane stories carry parents who sabotage their children’s marriages with their own instructions and influence of how to behave with their husbands or his family in order to make them respect you or for you to make your own space in the family with hard boundaries against them that only poison the wells of silatulrahim in the end.

To expose your marital affairs even with your husband’s permission is like digging the grave for the death of your marriage. It is a dishonor to paint his family or himself to others of his blood relations in any kind of light that is not good. Unless you are seeking true advice from reputable members of the community who are pillars of marital support, you are only causing rifts and risking backbiting and slander against your spouse and his relations. To undo such forces… it is close to impossible. No amount of apology or years of making up for it may heal such wounds if they cut deep enough. Fear those who truly love them for their pain may move them to make supplications against you for oppressing their rights to privacy. Disputes you are involved in with your husband, or his family are not stories to share with people out of spite. If you truly are a woman of honor, you would not be lamenting your woes, rather, you would be mobilizing yourself toward solutions or finding empowerment to stand up for yourself. Unless anyone has clearly oppressed you, there is no reason for the world to hear your affairs.

Yet, young brides continue to complain over tiny disputes or make comments about their husbands to their families or siblings. Older brides choose to be brazened with their sharp remarks over time, some even sharing detailed stories about their marriage that humiliate their husbands. How can one claim to be a good wife if she cares little of his honor and that of those he loves? Tell me, how can a woman dishonor her husband like so? She who lacks even a drop of regard for her man’s honor, is not and will never be his true woman.