The Hayaa Oasis

While it remains the ultimate taboo topic for an engaged Muslimah to talk about, it continues to be an important conversation to have. This author begins this series of writes with an invitation to provide knowledgeable support and reassurances for those who are nervous to begin their married lives.

Weekly Writes written by Umm Idris. 05.09.25, 12:00pm.

That’s right. While the majority of the Muslimah society continue to remain flustered and overwhelmed at the thought of having to address the intimacies of the bedroom, I believe it is time for us to leave the door just slightly ajar for the young newlyweds who are diving into marriage headfirst with nothing but the westernized’s version of the birds and the bees. This author wants to dig deep into the crevices of what is most uncomfortable to talk about, and what is most embarrassing to ask. Listen. No woman ever said that the wedding night is easy. Any woman who tries to tell you otherwise may very well be sugarcoating what they truly wish they would have been told on the eve of their wedding.

For many brides, the last six months of the wedding will be plagued with wedding preparations, family drama and a whirlwind of changes that includes a combination of paperwork and significant lifestyle changes. You prepare to move homes, to live with a whole other person, some of you (like myself) would be taking a quick refresher of the marriage course, and others are simply panicking about preparing themselves to be a wife and one day a mother. Many brides pay insufficient consideration until the last moment to mentally prepare to present themselves before their husbands. The fact is, while we are exposed – rather extensively – to what I would call softcore porn on television through movies and romantic unfiltered romance books, it is what it promotes itself to be: a romanticized version of what goes on in the bedroom. No one truly prepares you for what needs to be said and addressed, and mothers perpetuate this cycle because how in the actual world do we overcome our own shyness to rip the bandaid off and simply… tell it to them straight? So let’s strip this conversation down and keep it clear, simple, and concise. No blushing. No shyness. No more shadows or grey areas. Here are the top five topics I hear most about.

Question One: Contraceptions & Preventives.

If you are unsure about having kids immediately, arm yourself with the knowledge of pregnancy preventions and what is comfortable for you. The most common that everyone knows are condoms and birth control pills. But there are other methods out there. Do you research extensively and know the pros and cons of each and every one of them before you make your decision. While some Islamic scholars contradict with their opinions about pregnancy preventions, some others do not. Make sure you know what you subscribe to (madhab-wise), but first and foremost, understand the importance of your future husband’s choice as well. Children should be a mutual choice. This part about timing and having kids… you should have this conversation with your future husband before getting married during your ta’ruf.

My personal advice: I would never recommend something that is heavily hormone-disrupting. This is simply because you do not want to mess with your reproductive cycle and cause issues in the long run. Some women have reported struggles getting pregnant after getting of birth control or even health issues and difficulties getting/staying pregnant after removal of IUD, etc. I don’t know extensively what true research speaks about such matters but I personally do not think it is safe nor wise to risk what your body is doing sufficiently well with and messing around with it. Especially with crazy side effects like uncontrollable acne, irregular periods, pains, and even weight gain. Talk about claiming the benefits outweighing the costs…

Question Two: Pain and Discomforts.

Now, no one ever addressed this. What people often tell you is something along the lines of “ take your time, there is no rush.” “you’ll find your footing with your husband eventually, it is a journey” or the classic “he’ll know what to do.” But what about you? Here is the cold hard fact. If you are a virgin bride, assuming your fella is an honest man (having never had a wife himself), he isn’t likely going to know what he is doing either.

Nerves, shyness and embarrassment is NORMAL. Anyone who tells you to push past it because he is your husband is being ridiculous. Chances are, your husband is probably more nervous than you are. Our bodies are prepared to experience conjugal relations in the best of ways, but more often than not, it takes some time before you find the right rhythm with your partner. They can tell you all you want that he should take his time with foreplay but our hormones are all unique to ourselves. Some women don’t find it easy to remain in the moment, while others warm up quickly and naturally.

Arm yourself with the knowledge of lubricants. Organic or not, they are a necessity that many women don’t talk about or are shy to admit to needing. The expectation is that a woman should desire her husband and welcome him in his own bed. But the reality is that we are all human and we are not a switch that turns on and off just like that. In fact, hormone disruptions can even cause issues with staying lubricated and preventing pain during sex. So, be prepared with a bottle of lube just in case, especially if you are one of the many who struggle with hormone issues or reproductive problems.

Tell yourself to relax and make dua to Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) for two things – that if you conceive on that night, your child will be one who is protected from syaitan and the evils of this world and that they will be from those with strong iman, and second… for Him to grant you ease on your first conjugal night with your husband.

Remember: to enjoy your relations with your husband, you must first mentally prepare yourself and recognise that a conjugal night may not be on the night of your nikkah. He is there to listen and adjust to you too. Discuss it with your husband if you discover that evening that you are not ready. But do not deny him affection and love. Doing so only hurts you because being sweet and loving with your new husband will warm yourself up to be more comfortable and accustomed to being physically affectionate.

How do I say this… discomfort, nerves and panic only leads to lack of arousal. Lack of arousal and a reluctant or unprepared sexual intercourse most likely will lead to pain. And that will only traumatize you and put you off sexual relations in the future. So welcome the cuddles and kisses, be freely sweet and loving with one another. In due time, it will naturally happen.

Question Three: The Halals and Harams.

We should all know the fundamentals and etiquette of sex, that is, no sexual intercourse during your menstrual period until you have made ghusl, and no anal sex (no matter what the circumstances are). These have been made known to be clearly haram. Just to make it extra clear for those who need me to spell it out, you can be intimate and participate in physical intimacy of other forms so long as the penis does not enter the vagina during your period.

Now, many people are reluctant to ask this question – is oral sex permissible? Those who have (asked scholars) have been given the grey area conclusion. Some scholars say this is no haram but makruh, others claim it is haram. It simply a matter of which one you subscribe to and when the time comes, it is something necessary for you to discuss with your husband and come to conclusion together. This one is the one part of Sex 101 that we will simply not be able to get a clear black and white answer to.

Harming your partner (husband or wife) is strictly a no-no. Yes, I said it, if you playfully smack or spank your wife/husband or cause any kind of harm… it isn’t okay. It isn’t permissible to harm your spouse. Period. Not even if she or he asks for it.

For those with co-wives… no, you cannot discuss your sex lives with your shared husband, nor can you share your husband during conjugal relations simultaneously (threesomes and whatnot). Believe it or not, I have heard stories of people asking sheikhs out there such questions and it shocks me that we live in a world where pornography has skewed the beauty of intimacy between couples to such extent… Unless it is with the right niyyah and out of necessity… you cannot discuss your sex life with anyone else either. Whether to complain, to gloat or even to give examples for the purpose of education. If you need sex advice… ask a scholar in the most dignified manner. And do so anonymously if possible, and if you can’t.. well… we are in the digital age. I am almost certain you can find the right resources to answer your questions online without ever having to go to a friend or family and divulge the details of your intimate relations!

Question Four: Sexually Transmitted Diseases & The Reproductive Health.

For some couples, it is easier to go through the necessary health checks to clear themselves and one another from claims of STDs. Others, it is a sensitive topic and could be one that make them shy to address. If you feel it is a concern for you, be open about it and do so.

While we are at it… ladies, make sure to take good care of your health and keep track of your ladytown’s pH levels. Yeast infections can be incredibly common and UTIs are highly uncomfortable and distressing. Make sure to avoid douching (because inside your vagina is self-cleaning) and avoid excessive exposures to chemicals near your area. Shave often as per sunnah recommends us to for the purpose of our hygiene, use natural options like argan oil when dealing with dryness and irritations, and don’t forget to go for your check-ups when you need to!

Question Five: Well Then…How Do You…?

Listen, there is no hard or fast rule of how conjugal relations happen. There are many many halal resources out there about sexual relations that do not involve visual exposures or personal anecdotes and experiences. Explore your options online and look for information from books and articles that are designed to help you and answer your questions. But the most important thing you must do is to talk to your husband about it, and work on it together. This journey is not one you need to walk alone. If anything, you might find figuring things out together strengthens your bond and love for each other if you work on it together.

Well… that’s the preliminary top five reassurances this author often hear about from a newly married Muslimah. But over the course of the next few weekly writes, we may dive deeper and talk more about the really embarrassing conversations our blushing brides are shy to bring up or talk about. So let’s get together and rally for one another because with every successful blissful marriage in our ummah, comes unified happy homes raising good and righteous children to be part of our new generation of ummah.