The Hayaa Oasis

I have something to say, and you are not going to like it. But this needs to be said, and one will simply have to sit down and listen intently to this rude awakening.

Weekly Writes written by Umm Idris. 25.04.25, 12:00pm.

Over recent years, I spent much of my time hearing story after story about struggles new wives face with their husbands’ family. Many of which often reflected a deep-seeded frustration that has been marinating and stewing under covers of shackled autonomy. Our society today struggle deeply with boundaries and the rights of wives. Only this time, I do not wish to address the rights a wife is owed by her husband, no. I want to dig deep into discussing and unpacking the issues many have against the rights of a wife that a husband’s family members owe to her.

You see, too many stories – from non-Muslims and Muslims – have surfaced regarding parent-in-laws and in-laws relatives transgressing the boundaries and rights a wife is deserving of. I am sure you have heard of it. Stories of parent-in-laws crossing physical boundaries like freely rifling through their property (clothes, belongings, couple-owned things), withholding of her property (golds, mahr, and even money), or even entering their homes and personal spaces without permission – crossing personal space and boundaries, and demanding the keys to the couple’s residence for all-time access. Stories of sibling-in-laws oppressing and imposing the new wife (to serve, to cook, pressuring them into second class status to the biological nuclear family), of mother-in-laws allowing disrespect and transgressions to occur or even excusing them because it is their daughters against their daughter-in-laws, or it would cause them to lose contact with friends or relatives even if these people are toxic to the new family member. I have heard tale upon tale of mother-in-laws whispering in the ears of their sons about how their wives must behave and conduct themselves, of how to handle their wives, of how their wives must submit to the whims of the parents first (even to the extent of preventing them from leaving the home entirely or visiting their own parents), of encouragements to shape them into exactly what their original family unit demands rather than welcoming the vibrance diversity that she brings. I witness myself mother-in-laws who choose to meddle even into the engagement and weddings that are not for them but for their sons and their wives, demanding how the wedding must be done, what mahr is acceptable and will be given, what rings or jewelry will be chosen for her, what dress she must wear, how she must follow the practices and culture of the family and the demands of the community first, how everything must be approved by the parent-in-laws, and even trying to have an opinion of how the new home of the couple must be decorated. Too many news report stories of mother-in-laws commanding new wives to cater to them like maids, and serve to appease them, submit and cherish them over their own parents, told that they are subservient to everyone in their household and the worst of it is that these sorry excuse of husbands tell their wives to do so because it is their mother!

How disgraceful. The men of this ummah have forgotten that these new wives are an amanah from Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) to you. Their job is to serve your children and you, not your parents. Or your relatives. In fact, I must say that these collective group of men who believes that subjugating their wives to whims and demands of their parents are a special breed of cowardly spineless husbands who cannot be bothered to man up and care for their own parents themselves! Unless your wives have chosen to be kind and serve them out of the kindness of her heart, you are supposed to care for the very people who birthed you and raised you! How pathetic it is that there are men out there who think it is honorable to abdicate the very responsibility of a son and a child to their own parents. Your wives are a gift into your home, one that welcomes barakah in abundance especially if you treat them right. The first step to fair treatment is not to force them to be slaves to your parents against their will and beyond their delicate sensibilities.

To these mother-in-laws, have you no shame? You were once a bride. Do you think it fair to oppress the wife of your son because you believe that she must revere and serve you to gain your approval even after marriage? Even if it was what you experienced in your youthful years, how can you believe that it is kind to perpetuate a cycle so cynical? If you son agrees with you, then you have certainly failed as a mother. Her status as your daughter-in-law means nothing, and will continue to be of little value to her until the end of time. She is first and foremost her husband’s wife. There is an honour that comes with being introduced and known this way too, especially when she is the wife of a man of honour and good moral standing in society. It is the very crown that a dignified and well-cared for woman will not want to replace with being known as someone’s daughter-in-law. She was raised and beloved in her own home, cherished and treated like a princess, only for your son to take her away and make her feel like she was thrown into the life of a pauper fighting to serve in order to survive. Do not destroy her spirit by going around and only introducing her as your daughter-in-law, as though she is your property to be proudly showing off to others about. I have witnessed too many scenes of mother-in-laws inviting nazr into the lives of these wives by showing off to their friends about how good their daughter-in-laws treat them or what skills she has, all whilst mistreating her behind closed doors. Why? Is it some kind of sick game you play to drive her crazy? Or a purely selfish intention to invite others to fawn over your luck (rather, they are blessings) so they become envious and resentful of their own daughter-in-laws? Even if you have treated her incredibly well, and she is truly beloved to you… I ask you this: If her own husband does not go around sharing tales about her to his friends or to people in society, why do you destroy the beautiful veil he has casted over her to protect her?!

I have come to resent hearing complaints and laments that come from decades of frustrations against mother-in-laws who continue to mistreat the wives of their sons as though these women are their own biological daughters. To me, it is a red flag if a woman immediately lets you know that upon marriage you will be like a daughter to her and treated as such. The fact is, she is not your daughter. That honour belongs to her birth mother alone or the one who has raised her. The one who birthed her, who raised her with their own hands, nurturing and guiding her up until the day she was given into the care of your son. Not you. Not you who is the mother of her husband. A woman who believes she has the right to command as she please like a slave or reprimand her son’s wife viciously is a woman who is arrogant and conniving, who seeks a wife for her son not for his dunya or akhirah but for her own retirement plan.

Dear mother-in-laws, control your demands and expectations and cut loose your sons to be men! They are grown and you have raised them to be charged with the care of others! You cannot and you must never meddle and be involved in his marriage as though you are part of it. It is not your right to decide what she deserves or what she is entitled to, it is not your right to decide her freedom or her life. Trust that your son will honour you as his mother and love and cherish you despite being married and having taken a wife! There is no competition of attention or affection because the love he shares with his wife is different to that of you. So it is of little to no reason for your to spend your elderly years fixated on putting his wife “in her place” or aggressively imposing you status as his mother to her. If you are kind to his wife, you best believe she will always remind him to honour you, in fact, you will grow to be beloved by her so much that she herself will honour you. But if you harm her, then know that a fractured heart will not heal nor will it ever forget the pain you put it through.

When I hear mother-in-laws demanding and arguing about their right as grandparents superseding that of the mother of the child and holding fast to their entitlement to having the primary say in their grandchildren’s care… I grow weary and lose my appetite. You hold firm to the believe that your son is your son, and then you enter residence of your son’s wife and command that you have surpassing rights if not equal one to her child. All in the midst of a who just gave birth and is in recovery! Have you forgotten the pains of labor? The agony of those uncertain times that drown a woman fresh in her post-partum months? Understand that a wife who just became a mother is afraid of the unknown, fighting hard to recover well and only wants to be left alone to recuperate and bond with her baby. She is not trying to keep your grandchild away from you or your relatives! She is struggling with the reality that her baby is now in the physical world and can now get hurt or ill. She has a dinner-sized plate of a wound inside of her and is in constant pain. The stories and news of severe infections and illnesses that can take her child away in an instant is not fearmongering news but real cases that she is fighting to protect her child from. What more the silent anxiety that is building in her of suddenly being taken away from her child and leaving that poor infant alone in this dunya. That newborn helpless baby was who she carried and suffered to grow in her womb for nine long months. Don’t you remember? The body pains, the severe nausea, weakness, exhaustion, and even the feeling of being the only one who truly understands what you are going through no matter how much support you are given?

I am enraged. I feel angry for so many new brides who feel like their autonomy is being taken away upon marriage, or that they feel restricted somehow instead of free and loved not just by her husband, but by her new extended family. She, who a father entrusts a man in the name of marriage, should feel no additional suffering of any kind when she is brought from her childhood home to a new home. A husband’s responsibility here is to maintain her as her father had, or better. No exceptions. And if your family are the cause of her pain, then fear Allah (subhana wa ta’ala)! Stand up for her for she is entirely reliant upon you to protect and care for her! How can any man allow their parents to withhold his wife’s mahr, insult her, mock her, command her or even demean her?! They have a right to their husband’s attention, care, affection, money, and even privacy and protection he is commanded to give her.

And so I beg the mother-in-laws of this generation to wake up, for goodness sake. Each time you harm your sons’ wives; you must answer to Allah (subhana wa ta’ala). Each time you oppress or wrong them, or cause your sons to wrong them, both you and your sons will be asked in Qiyamah. Bear in mind that when you oppress someone, their duas will against you will always be accepted. Know that they are under no obligation to forgive you, even if it is heavily encouraged. They have a choice. To either forgive you if they can, or to take their rights from you on the Day of Judgment. Aren’t you afraid of the day you must stand in front of them, in the presence of Allah (subhana wa ta’ala), and acknowledge, admit and beg for forgiveness for harming another person? What if after all you have put them through, they find themselves incapable of letting go or forgiving because the hurt was too much? Have you ever considered that?

Do not wait with pride and ego to correct yourselves and being to respect your sons’ wives and their rights, and above all, respect their marriage and respect the status and the responsibility it commands of your sons as husbands! Whether it is their given right as wives, as fellow Muslimahs or as human beings. Your choice to harm someone is an act of oppression. So fear Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) and make a change because you will need His help to open those doors of forgiveness. The heart of an oppressed wife may never be able to forgive what you have done, not without a miracle.