The Hayaa Oasis

There is greater honour in the humility and bravery that is seen from making amends and admitting your fault than there is making amends and explaining away misunderstandings. For the hurting, harm is harm regardless of its true intent.

Weekly Writes written by Umm Idris. 21.03.25, 12:00pm.

“Anger brews like a tea kettle waiting to whistle. The longer a person delays switching off the stove, the quicker it reaches a rapid boil. And nothing cools a scalding cup of tea like a douse of cold milk. Soothing to the palette, forgiving in nature against the pains of being burnt. Human nature would compel us to race against the clock and shut off the stove before we ruin the flavours of a brew, yet we carry great reluctance in rushing to make amends. Heavy is the weight of a tongue when it comes to uttering remorse dragged down by pride when humility fights to read its head.”

I once read this prose written by someone that provoked a thought about why it has become so difficult for many to admit their faults and humble themselves (myself included, of course.) In the face of our own errors, the default most fall back on would be to run away and hide from the humiliation or embarrassment of either getting caught with their pants down – not literally! – or complete avoidance fueled by one’s ego refusing to admit defeat. It is incredibly sad that while Islam commands us to welcome criticism of all forms and rejoice in correction in favour of self-improvement, we continue to nurse our pride because we cannot take the mortification of being admonished for our very human flaws.

How frightening is it that we are more concerned of how we are seen by others first rather than how we are seen by Allah (subhana wa ta’ala)? What more when we place restoring the rights of honour we damaged or stole from others second to our own ego. I remember back when I was much much younger, I was often warned against my own pride. Mulut berat. That was the Malay phrase I heard when it came to my reluctance in apologizing. It quite literally meant “heavy mouth”, as though the mouth was weighed down with heavy stones, and it was rather accurate too. I would recall a sensation of something heavy and hard blocking my throat just at the thought of an apology or an admittance of remorse. The mouth would be sealed shut as they who were wronged went on and on pointing my faults out and raging louder about what I had done wrong. Is it a trauma response to childhood shortcomings? For being silenced more than one can admit? In retrospect, not at all! For me, it was a simple combination of absolute denial and nursing one’s pride in the face of being wrong.

But I was a child. And I continue to argue that she who has yet to reach the age of 18 remains under the umbrella of generous mercy and patience even if their mistakes were grave against another. While Islam commands us to strive as adults following the age of discernment, I wonder if our dunya is struggling with youths who are woefully prepared in prioritising exemplary character before their academic stride. Are we Muslims raising our children with the wrong set of priorities?

There is a pattern I see in the generation coming: they are vocal in their rights and beliefs. Granted, the rallying cry we are heavily digesting today carry ridiculous feminism expectations, strange hyper sexualities, and extreme sexual liberation agendas that are irrelevant to us. However, consider the tone of this new generation. There is an unforgiving expectation that they MUST be heard and accepted even if it is something one’s very soul repels. Even if what they demand is against the very core of our Islam. There is little room today to “agree to disagree”. And when one of them faces fault, they reluctantly release an admission of guilt encouraged not by humility and honesty but by public pressure and embarrassment. Where is the moment where one avoids all this simply by following the sunnah?

Abu Umamah Al-Bahili (ra) reported that the Messenger of Allah (salallahu ‘alaihi wassalam) said, “I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right; and I guarantee a home in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannah for one who has good manners.” (Riyad As-Salihin 629)

There is an epidemic among the youth where the young argue against one who is older, all kinds of manners and consideration of ill-words goes out the window. Yes, this has been going on for generations because that is how young people are – they make mistakes and they are often careless as they have to find wisdom and maturity – but it is only recently that I notice the decreasing conveyed apology that comes with arguments or disputes. It is worsened when they firmly hold to being right or being without initial fault as an excuse that shifts the responsibility entirely from providing an apology for causing emotional hardship on another. Back in my days, a quiet tsk would have been deemed disrespectful in the presence of an elder and warrants remorse and an essay-long scolding even if it wasn’t intentional or directed at them!

Today, the young can bravely argue back with someone older, or even yell and fight with their parents if they firmly believe they are right. Publicly and in the presence of others too. Is it not one of the frightening signs of The Hour when you see more and more of these children… these youths being filled with rage? Regardless of how paralysing that frightening reality that is, why are we Muslims delaying the urgency to address this in our youth? Why do we make concessions for the young who continue to misstep and follow through with disrespecting others and dishonouring even their parents? Have we truly given up and relinquishing control or are we being overpowered by evils of the dunya snaking its way into the bonds of parent and child?

I refer back to the initial prose I read. The mercy of Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) is mighty and vast. And for our strive in forgiving those who wronged us, we are rewarded with forgiveness in our own sins. However, anger of the one who is in pain can only be subdued with sincerity in seeking an apology and an admittance of being the one who have done them wrong. One cannot simply wait for the storm to pass. Making amends is one of the biggest responsibilities of a Muslim who is afraid of the wrath of Allah (subhana wa ta’ala). Imagine having to face the person you hurt deeply in front of Him and watch as they take their rights from you in Qiyamah. Validation of their pain and their hardship today relieves even the greatest of hurt and heals the deepest of wounds. Only if you seek to repair it before it is too late. Do not let wounds fester until an infection permanently destroys your relations with them forever.